Boondock Ramblings

I read Nicole’s (Driving With the Brakes On) blog earlier this week and my heart sank so far down in my chest that my stomach felt full and sick. Nicole’s was one of the first blogs I started reading when I got into this blogging thing.

I can’t even describe the feeling that hit me when I read that the baby she had been carrying, a baby girl, had passed away when Nicole went into early labor a week or more ago. The baby’s lungs simply weren’t developed enough and when she tried to take a breath it didn’t come. She passed away in her mother’s arms a few hours after delivery.

I couldn’t even imagine the horror of it all, even though reading the post made me feel like I was there. I didn’t know whether to write a post about Nicole’s horrible tragedy. It felt silly and trite to try to write about someone else’s pain. I didn’t want to intrude. I still don’t. Yet, I want others to offer Nicole some comfort, even if words can’t erase the pain, hurt and anger from her life right now.

Later that night, after I had read Nicole’s post, Jonathan fell asleep early – early enough that I knew he wouldn’t sleep through the night and would wake up, possibly staying up way past his bedtime. Usually this would frustrate me, but on this night I took what came with a sigh and a happiness that he was there for me to hold.

He wanted to stick a butter knife in the butter and pull it out again and stick it in again, making a general mess of it all. I let him, glad he was there for me to watch smile and giggle at the mess he was making.

He tipped over the dog’s food dish and spread it all over the floor. Normally I’d snatch the food away and tell him ‘no.’ I let him do it because he thought it was funny, grateful he was there for me to see how funny he thought it was.

I felt ashamed writing how it made me think about how lucky I am to have my little Jonathan when she came home from the hospital without her Quinn. I still feel ashamed. I also felt ashamed writing silly and funny posts when Nicole was going through so much pain. I guess I figured there were some who knew her who might need to laugh a little after such sadness.

But I can’t take my mind off Nicole’s pain and I have found myself praying for her silently in the middle of the night all week.

I find myself praying because more than 30 years ago my mother went through something similar. Faith Leanne was 7 months in gestation when she was born. Mom had toxemia, now known as preclampsia. I wasn’t alive then, so I don’t really know first hand the pain she went through. I do know the pain I see in my mother’s eyes when she talks about that time and how much she still blames herself.

“I should have known,” she says. “There were so many signs.”

Faith Leanne was her second child and she’s convinced she should have known what all the symptoms of toxemia were. I tell her there is no way she could have known. The education about such things was next to nothing back then. Even now many women are unaware of the signs. And even if they know what to look for, they don’t know how to prevent it.

I can tell my mom until I’m blue in the face that the loss of Faith Leanne wasn’t her fault. I can tell my father, who only a year ago told me he also blames himself, the same thing. It will probably never change their minds and convince them they couldn’t have done anything to stop what happened.

Maybe no one will be able to convince Nicole what happened isn’t her fault either, but we can tell her anyhow. And we can love her and hug her – even if it is only in words of encouragement on her blog. Most importantly we can listen as she pours her heart out. I hope you listen to what she has to say and I hope we all learn from it, whatever it is we need to learn in our own lives.