Boondock Ramblings

“Attention shoppers — today in aisle five we will be offering zone out time. This time is reserved for those of you who entered this store looking for one item and one item only but suddenly felt like a cat when a tranquilzer has hit it’s butt and is now staggering around the yard, drool from its mouth.”

So, I’ve never actually heard this announcement at Wally-World, but they might as well make it because that zoned-out expression is on the face of almost every person in those places, even the employees.

I headed in there on Saturday to pick up a gift for my mom. Yes. It was May 10. The day before Mother’s Day. I’m one of those horrible children who go in on the last day to buy a last minute gift for their mother. However, in my defense, I did have an idea for a gift and my plan was to go in, grab my gift and get out. I did fairly well, avoiding all of the traps Wally-World executives set up for shoppers — items like $3 journals and $2 shirts and $4 socks. Oh crap. I forgot the socks. I actually needed them this time.

Anyhoooo, I digress.

I headed to Redneck Mecca with Jonathan and we set out for the frames and then the cards. I bought mom a frame, with the plan being to put cute photos of her grandson in it, along with a lovely poem from a Hallmark card. Something for her to hang on her wall, not just shove in a drawer. She doesn’t, however, just shove cards in a drawer to stay there. My mom is one of those sweet moms who pulls those cards out over the years and becomes all teary and weepy the second, third, fourth and even fifth time around reading it. Aren’t those mom’s awesome? I think so too.

Jonathan and I accomplished our mission fairly well, being snagged by $4 cowboy hats, but not by the $3 children’s books. In the card aisle I first encountered another mother — a mother who had been placed under the Wally-World spell and had that glazed over look on her face, much like I usually do. I had a co-worker tell me she had once heard that Wally-World leaders put baby powder in the ducts at the stores and then release it, essentially drugging shoppers and making them think “not so clearly”, which is why they are able to sell some of the dumbest stuff to people. Like the plastic sippy cup I bought one time that was shaped like a lion. My child ended up gulping out of a lion’s butt — how bizarre is that? And how bizarre is it that I bought it in the first place? Baby powder I tell you!

On the other end of the aisle was a swarm of last minute shoppers picking over the carcass of the Mother’s Day card selection. I finally found a card that wasn’t a Mother’s Day card, but said perfectly what I wanted to say about my mother — nailing it on the head, so to speak, with what a wonderful mother she has been to me, how she is like my best friend.

Jonathan and I escaped the evil clutches of the Meglomart — er…Wally-World (sorry too much ‘King of the Hill’ and returned home for what turned out to be a two hour nap. A two hour nap way too close to bed time. Which is why my son is currently sitting in the floor of the computer room/nursery, flinging pennies around (hiding them in the sheets of the toddler bed, I’ve just noticed) while I blog away at 11 p.m. at night.

*sigh*

Ah, motherhood.

Isn’t it awesome? I think so too.

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Humor-blogs is available, but I’ve become less and less concerned about my rankings. A little less. So click away to boost my score, but I won’t sob if you don’t (at least not in public).